Sacrifice, Frustration, Do or Not Do?

Dear Beautiful Readers,

Betul kata shrink, i need someone. Mula2 i don't really enjoy the session, as he gave to many intros.
Tapi lama2 aku rasa comfortable..

Tapi sayang, aku hanya sempat jumpa shrink nih for less than an hour due to the fact that I have to attend another meeting.

But i'll be having another appointment with the shrink next Tuesday.

And another frustration, in the evening.

I am supposed to go back to my hometown tomorrow, but have to cancel due to some "ad hoc, 'gelojoh' work requirement". I have planned my leave "ages" ago, but well..sad to say, i have to mengalah..:-(
It's such a bad timing.

Tapi memang aku frust. Tadi dah siap gi Toys R Us beli toys for my nephews. Dah beli birthday gift for my niece. Terasa nak peluk Ma and Abah aku.

Tapi..ntah la. It's different kind of feeling.

God knows, this is such a test for me.

Shrink?

Dear Beautiful readers,

Aku tak menang tangan.

Aku tak cukup support.

This is such a big challenge for me and yes, I can feel that I am in the race.

Well..i am gonna see a shrink i.e. psychiatrist tomorrow, as recommended by Gen.

Pelik kan?

Satu Tarikh..

Dear Beautiful readers,

Satu tarikh.

26 July 2009.

Happy Birthday to my younger brother, H. It's his 24th.

The talented director, Yasmin Ahmad, passed away. Alfatihah

:-(

Dear Beautiful readers,

Aku takde mood nak menulis, although aku ada benda yang nak ditulis.
Cuma one of my colleagues at different office shared with me quite a good set of words, written by one of the colleagues that both of us know.

.."We live in a very judgmental society.In office, I watch with sadness how superiors pass judgments on their staff, usually without knowing much about the staff to begin with. Likewise, now that I am leaving the company, people are more forthcoming to share their views so I discover that even staff are as judgmental about their superiors – not much different compared to the superiors."

Bingung? Bengong?

Dear Beautiful readers,

Pagi2 lagi aku dah rasa bingung.
Pening.Runsing.Dilema.

Non stop thinking about this and that.

Feel helpless.

Sampaikan aku sesat buat pusingan dua kali from KL to Kajang (aku nak ke Bangi actually tgh hari tadi) and pusing balik KL and terus ikut Sg Besi nak ke Bangi.

Aku bingung. Bengong agaknya.

Petang dari Bangi, balik ke KL, masuk semula office, until 10 p.m.

Tapi aku kecewa. Pasal aku rasa takde yang peduli. Mungkin mak aku je kut yang risau.

Help me!

My fellow countrymen :-)

Dear beautiful readers,

Aku bukan laa taksub dgn those guys who hail from the same state as me.
But I feel good.

I feel that I have the responsibility to take care of them and share with them the good things.

It's the culture, it's the brotherhood thing.

It's not the "assabiyah" or semangat "kenegerian".

And it happened to me while at work tadi (on Sunday?)..

Jeng..jeng..jeng

Scenario 1: Me with two auditors (not bad looking..hehehe) at work (boring...*yawn*)
I heard that the two auditors were talking in the dialect that I am familiar with...
And suddenly aku pun...

Me: Ada orang Kelantan ke?
Auditor A: Duo2...(both of us)

Me: Laa...(smiling)
Auditor A: Duk mano? (where do u stay?)
Me: KB, dkt "toot". Demo? Demo pulok (while looking at Auditor B)
Auditor A: Kawe Telipot, dio Guo Muse..(My Note: Jangan pandang serong kat oghe Guo Muse, diaorg pun ada yang keje kat Big 4 audit firm OK! :-)

And all of a sudden, I feel good. Feel like I have to share good things with them. I don't know. The feeling came naturally.

Yeah, I did talk and share with them my working life and also they shared their grievances with me. Kesian jugak but what else can I do? I wish them the best of luck and hope they are OK with their work (and life too)..

P/S: Ajak depa berniaga lah! Tapi nak bukak kedai apa?

BABEL

Dear Beautiful readers,

I think this particular film did give some impact to me, especially the part where Amelia (the maid) searching for help in the desert, in the middle of nowhere (probably near the US - Mexico border).

It's kinda "disturbing", not in a violent manner, but more to...ermm...if i am at their place, what should I do?

A very well directed film! Love the music score!

P/S: By watching this film, I think I value my family members more...

CINTA

Dear Beautiful readers,

Malam nih I have decided to stay at home. AD ajak tengok Harry Potter but I am tired and don't really feel like going out.

Initially Fakh was also planning to come to my house to pass the stuff that he bought on my behalf during his visit to Jakarta but tak jadi.Nih pun pasal aku balik lewat from work tadi.

And here I am. In front of the TV. Watching CINTA.

Watched this film before, but I don't know..feel like watching this again.

"Sehari bersama dengan orang yang kita sayang lebih bermakna daripada sepanjang tahun kita bersama dengan orang yang kita tidak sayang".

Aku faham.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ku mengerti perpisahan ini

Bukan kerana kau membenci

Tapi kasih yang pernah kuberi

Tiada lagi bersama

Seringkala aku terlihatkan mu

Impian nan indah

Bersulam bahagia

Ku harungi hari demi hari

Bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali

Tapi hati masih tak terima

Ditinggalkan sengsara

(Korus)

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu

Perasaan hati masih rindu

Kekalutan ini hanyalah untukku

Tercari-cari bayanganmu

Tak sanggup aku kehilangan

Kehilanganmu
Kasih tercari-cari

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu

Masih tercari-cari bayanganmu

Tak sanggup aku kehilanganmu

I need a "proper" rest..

Dear Beautiful readers,

Since working for this Company, I have to face the fact that there are always "ad hoc" requirements..

Just name it! Macam2..

Let alone the fact that you always have to settle the backlogs and also the current deliverables, which are yet to be finished.

And that's the dilemma that I am facing now!

As a matter of fact, today I spent the whole 8 hours at work again (on Saturday? hmm..how sad! Org lain gi dating...). Me with another colleague, and accompanied by few auditors (not the year end audit mind you, it's the "special project")

Sabar je laa..

I have to be there again to complete the tasks. Can't really rely on my fellow subordinates. Tak strict salah, nak jadi strict pun salah...:-(

On my way back, I bought few DVDs and magazines.

I wish I can turn back time, with the Taboo!, Cluedo and Monopoly nights! Arghh..I missed that.

P/S: Biasa laa kita nih manusia, kdg2 we take things for granted. Masa kat depan kita, kita tak peduli sangat. Masa jauh mula laa duk teringat2...Let's learn from that.

Kalau aku ingat kat kawan2 bagai nak rak pun, errmm..do they really think about me?

Tenang bak Air

Dear Beautiful readers,

Pagi2 lagi aku bawak botol air gi office.
Awat eh? Kan dah banyak mineral water aku beli kat office?

Ermm..

Actually pagi tadi aku ada divine intervention via phone call with my friend's dad (who is an alim ulama). Ada laa selawat2 skit and that uncle tolong doakan and "hembus" via phone and at the same time aku "tiup" to that water.

Air tuh untuk diminum and sapu kat muka and usap2 kat dada.

I think it works!

Memang aku busy today but what the heck, i just go with the flow. Memang ini ada ujian-Nya buat aku as hamba yang daif.

Alhamdulillah

Cabaran, Cabaran, Cabaran!

Dear Beautiful readers,

As expected, yes, this week will be quite tough for me.
I feel restless (with the current problem still lingering on my head..), feel less motivated etc.

Petang tadi boss aku panggil. I knew that she'll advice me on something but still put it as a big challenge for me and I have to take it.

It's tough, not because I couldn't do it...but I am in dilemma. As in "buat salah, tak buat pun salah.."

Aku pasrah again.

But at noon, I got a call from a headhunter. I was called for an interview with a job in Saudi Arabia next week.
Wish me luck..

P/S: Hopefully dapat!

Tenang

Dear Beautiful readers,

I have decided that I have to go out this evening, for boredom's sake!

Thought of going to KLCC but going to Pavi instead, and met ER there.

I just bought a book. A book. That's it (Pheww....i managed to prevent myself from any "impulse buying")

Then we went for early dinner at the famous "The Lodge" for porridge, but I had fried rice instead (takut tak kenyang kalau makan bubur!)

I felt a bit tenang. I don't know. I couldn't care less about work. Yang penting, aku tawakkal padaNya.

Berserah pada Qada' & Qadr' sahaja...

Sepi

Dear Beautiful Readers,

Filem nih terngiang2 lagi in my mind. So I have decided to watch it again this morning before off for a while for a hair cut.

Tak jemu aku tengok filem nih. And aku paham...everything, every single thing!

Sepi hati terjadi lagi

Mungkin sampai mati aku sepi

Biar senyum hadir di hariku

Namun ini hanya ada di bibir

Di bibir saja

Aku ini yang bisa mengerti

walaupun yang lain mau mengerti

Namun berat beban hidupku

Biarkan saja

Biar saja hanya ku yang tahu

Sejarah cinta dan hidupku

Penuh duri dan banyak ranjau

Butuh kesabaran yang penuh

Untuk tetap ku berdiri

Oh.. ada saatnya ku bicara

Bila hatiku telah bulat

Sepanjang ku bisa atasi semua

Aku tetap diam

Woo.. sejarah cinta dan hidupku

Penuh duri dan banyak ranjau

Butuh kesabaran yang penuh

Untuk tetap ku berdiri

Oh.. ada saatnya ku bicara

Bila hatiku telah bulat

Sepanjang ku bisa atasi semua

Aku tetap diam

P/S: Dalam filem nih, I think i am more related to Adam's story...i don't know how to describe further

Aku takde mood..

Dear Beautiful Readers,

Since last nite aku takde mood sangat.

Balik lewat, terus tertido and sedar2 5.30 a.m. terus Isyak and sambung Subuh.

Tadi pun tak kuar ke mana.

I don't know. I just don't feel like it.

Tadi petang pun ingatkan nak start keta and ronda2,rupa2nya I just checked the engines - water and the car battery!

Ingatkan malam nih nak kuar...Arghh! Aku takde mood lagi.

Terus order Domino's Pizza..

Now it's makan time. Probably layan movie sorang2 kat umah.

Sepi!

P/S: To Azlan, sorry to hear that you've been mugged a few nights ago. Memang tak sangka that area you boleh kena rompak! I have to be careful as well next time..

Sakit lagi..

Dear Beautiful readers,

Aku sakit lagi.

Stress.Pressure.

I don't know how to control. Let's blame the environment.

Budak2 nih buat perangai lagi. Aku rasa...ermm..

Ntah laa..

Aku tawakkal aja..

And counting days

P/S: TGIF!

Thanks Kak AA

Dear Beautiful readers,

I feel a bit different today.
Better, in a way..

a) Have to do an ad hoc presentation to a group of staff (about 15 staff in another unit, which I haven't met them before) as I was told to do the presentation late last nite by my boss (the presentation was at 9.30 a.m). It went quite well and received good feedbacks too! Alhamdulillah!

b) I couldn't even bother about those staff. I just do my own work and feel less distracted! Alhamdulillah!

c) Lunch with RM @ Avenue K. Saw Kam with his friends and say hi. RM advice was quite meaningful too (coming from an HR person) ;-)

d) Right after meeting RM for lunch, met Kak AA (another indirect boss). I have willingly chosen her as my informal mentor. Asked for some of her tips and I did explain my current situation and believe me, i feel so damn different after seeing her. Although the things that I have explained was similar to what I have explained and shared with my direct boss and also Gen, my other indirect boss. Thanks so much Kak AA, may Allah pay back the good deeds in what you have done to me. InsyaAllah.

e) Meetings and discussions. I rarely talk during meetings / discussion unless I have too. Heheh..but now with non stop meetings and short discussion in the afternoon, i managed to give some ideas and have guts to ask questions! :-)

Overall, I thanked God for his dear assistance. But again, this is another test. Alhamdulillah.

Aku Pasrah!

Dear Beautiful readers,

Malas betul nak pergi office. Aku pasrah!
Pagi tadi, plan nak puasa...tapi aku bawak jugak bekal i.e. roti and milk (tak tahu apsal today nak jugak bawak bekal sedangkan plan nak puasa).

Aku tak makan..

But after an hour, aku rasa...aku tak jadik puasa (teruk betul!) So ended up i ate the bread and drank the milk :-(

......................

Aku masih pening di office. Pening dengan perangai budak pompuan dua org nih.
I did some reflection. Kalau betul2 aku salah, aku mengaku. Tapi tak!

But it all has been cleared. It's just them being so stubborn. Aku tak tahu nak buat apa lagi..
Aku duk pikir whether logic tak kalau aku nak resign.

Kira2 duit...ermm..cukup ke kalau nak bayar the remaining contract? Macam cukup, tapi mana lagik nak cekau?

Tapi kan, one of my staff nih...memang pelik. Aku email dia asking for her opinion nicely, tup2 reply mail aku kata aku buruk sangka kat dia!

WTF???

Ntah laa...aku berserah je. And aku pasrah.

Aku bagitau Kak Shue pasal kes nih. Dia suruh aku datang to her family's house in Kajang for some divine intervention. Aku bagitau dia memang tak sempat...and mintak tolong ayah dia buatkan solat hajat for me.
Thanks Kak Shue for your concern.

Zain Pena pun ada bagitau aku that Company tempat dia keja ada buat downsizing, so they are not really looking for people.

RM pulak kata, aku "overqualified", junior2 position ada laa..:-)

Aku pasrah again..

P/S: Thanks to everyone yang concern pasal my situation. I really appreciate that.Tapi aku tak bagitau parents aku takut diaorg risau especially my Ma. Thanks to ER, Zain Pena, Kak Shue, Abe, Fakh, Shaz, Shuf etc..

Sunday @ 1030 hours

Dear Beautiful readers,

One more day to go before facing another 5 days of heaven (or hell?) at work.

I guess, I should plan my Sunday effectively and wisely. Nanti kang nak tunggu next Saturday / Sunday lambat lagi (or now dah makin cepat, time moves fastly...tup2 dah weekend balik!)

Well..aku dah lama tak breakfast kat one of the restaurants near my place. Ntah laa..maybe pasal for the past few weekends, aku makan kat umah je kut for breakfast. And guess what, while entering the kedai...tak sempat aku nak bukak mulut...

Minah Indon: "teh o ais, roti canai kosong, nasi lemak? :-)"

Adoi, dia dah tahu aku nak makan apa! (mesti korang pikir aku makan banyak kan? heheh...it's a small portion lah!)

Probably pasal seblum nih aku selalu makan breakfast at this kedai and I haven't really changed the menu (except for drinks, sekejap teh o ais, milo ais, teh o suam etc).

Right after that, aku gi kat my car. Duk tekan2 alarm apsal takleh bukak gak keta nih...pelik!

Alarm aku rosak ke? Hmm..probably.

BUT..

Rupa2nya aku gi tekan kat kereta org lain yg sejibik sama ngan keta aku!

Keta aku kat belakang skit...dah terbukak lama dah!

Bengong betul!

Apsal aku blur today? Hmm...kuat betul berangan..

P/S; Nak buat apa petang nih?

Sepetang di KLCC

Dear Beautiful Readers,

ER tak jadik ke Jakarta. So dia ajak aku kuar petang tadi. So we met at KLCC instead with another friend of him, Hardy.

Eh...before that,tak semena2 aku nampak E. E balik KL tak bagitau aku pun. Aku dah lama nak pass barang kat dia and G. E & G are my good friends when I worked in one of the states in the northern region dulu.
Aku nampak E kat parking, cuma sempat tegur via SMS. Then I spotted him again in front of the bank, pun tak sempat nak tegur2. Aiyoo!!

Thank God I didn't shop. Probably there were too many people, it's mega sale time. Jimat skit kalau aku tak kuar duit beli apa2. Lagipun I have got nothing in my mind now though. Tak kuar duit is better ;-)

We went to DOME for early dinner and listened to Hardy's stories. He's so lucky. Not like me and ER :-(


Anyway, masa time kat surau KLCC for Maghrib, right after I have finished performing the prayer, there's one guy tegur me and asked me to do something. He's i think probably in his late 30's. Begini ceritanya..

The Guy: (Sambil pegang bahu aku)..."dik, boleh tak adik tolong tengok ada sorang budak rambut pendek pakai baju hitam (aku pun tadi pakai baju hitam gak!). Budak tuh duk asyik tengok2 je...(i think he's telling me to watch out for a guy or something..)

Aku ingatkan nak suruh tengok anak dia ke apa..
So dia bawak aku ke tempat wuduk..carik that guy

The Guy: Hmmm...takpe laa dik. Dia dah takde. Thanks! (sambil pegang two of my biceps..)

What's the motive?

Takpe laa..kat surau...aku taknak sangka buruk. Tapi, kalau betul2 dia suruh watch out, ada masa ke aku nak tgk. Lagipun banyak lagi hamba Allah dalam surau tuh. And I am rushing takut2 ER tunggu aku kat luar.

P/S: Esok aku nak kuar lagi....tapi kena gi office jap kut? :-(

Beautiful Saturday

Dear Beautiful readers,

I am glad that it's the weekend.
Although I might not have many things to do (i mean, the activities), but yet I think I can some peace of mind here at home.

As expected, right after a quick breakfast and newspaper time, i spent time with my Wii. Berpeluh gak duk main tennis and bowling (berpeluh ke bowling? heheheh) And not to forget, the workouts sessions i.e. the cardio workouts with my "virtual" trainer (sad eh? I should have gone to the real gym but not at this moment). But it does work wonders though...

Aku tak tahu lagi nak kemana today. ER will be going to Jakarta for work, or else i'll be going out with him kut.
Ntah laa..or as usual, I will be the lone ranger looking for the best deals at malls in KL!

Tgk laa lepas Zuhur ke nanti...kuar laa kut.

Sesal

Dear Beautiful readers,

Aku menyesal bagitau dia about that thing.
Aku malu.

Memang aku malu.

Hopefully aku still boleh kawan ngan dia.

Tapi aku malu.

Why did i say that on the first place?

Ermm..ntah laa..

Aku patut jgn bagitau apa2, even though hati aku mengatakan it's better for me to reveal..

P/S: Ikut hati, mati. Ikut rasa, binasa!

Aku Pening!

Dear Beautiful readers,

Aku rasa...i am in dilemma still. Probably because i am stress?
Errmm...i feel like I couldn't contribute much to the department.

I feel bad, although I have tried my best. I know that I am still trying my best.
Or am i trying too hard or being so hard on myself?

I feel like resigning.
I feel like looking for another job.
Or shall i just move to another department?

I have been with this particular department since November last year and I don't know whether it's feasible for me to move out.

And I dunno?

Any readers willing to share ideas on what should i do next?

I feel like a liability to my department...

Rank Pari Passu

Dear Beautiful readers,

Tajuk tuh...takde kaitan sangat pun dgn apa yang aku nak tulis today. It just playing on mind since I talked to Shue last nite.

So what's Rank Pari Passu? Hmm..nanti laa saya citer (maybe later...)

It's a NEW DAY for me. And that's what my boss told me last night "You just act like it's your first day at work.."
And it does work miracle!

Thanks boss!

Aku tak kisah sangat budak2 nih nak kata apa (i mean...only 2 of them je, staff aku plak tuh!..). I am just doing my job..:-) And I feel a bit relief...and less stress. Syukur Alhamdulillah...
That's the miracle of God's kind assistance..

Anyway, tadi aku balik awal. Awal than the usual time.Sempat ajar Abe camana nak buat blog. I know he can do better. Go go!
Malam aku gi dinner with Zain Pena & his other half. Haha...the other half is so damn lucky to have Zam Pena. Aku dinner ngan dia pun at the same time nak pass Perempuan Kalung Sorban to him...dah lama dah dia nak pinjam (although it's not mine, it's ER's!) Aku dah mintak izin ER nak pinjamkan DVD nih pada Zain Pena..

That's all for now. Can't wait for the weekends...rasa nak rehat2. I know next week will be another tough week for me.

Have a nice day everyone. Take care

Alhamdulillah..

Dear Beautiful readers,

I was running here and there in the office this morning just to settle a few issues (with the "problem" in my head at the same time..)

But i managed to face it, although deep in my heart it was so disgustingly stressful!

In the evening, after lunch, because of the problem at work, my big boss finally decided to have a "tazkirah" session. It's quite calming, although I can feel that I am sort of like the scapegoat and being slandered.

It's not true!

But well, I know, some of my fellow colleagues do feel pity and understand my situation. Even my boss (that's why i left office at 10 pm tonite right after discussion with her) totally support me and managed to give some good advice.

Shue called me right after work and again, her advices are very meaningful indeed. A BIG THANK YOU to all of you, people! (termasuk Abe skali...:-)) I'll take your advice and remember, "what comes around goes around".